‘If I didn’t feel shame or fear, what would I do now?’
Oh, so Day 1’s a softball? Sweet, that’s an easy answer: write a novel.
In 2018, I won a coveted spot in Pitch Wars, an annual writing competition offering indies the opportunity to be mentored by a published writer. The experience that unfolded made me a stronger writer, which was my main objective, I knew then, going into the competition. Although I ultimately didn’t snag an agent with my project (my first m/m romance), being a part of the Pitch Wars collective benefitted me in ways I hadn’t imagined. I was introduced to publishers, agents, and fellow authors and, in turn, widened my creative network. The tutelage of my Pitch Wars coach, Mary Ann Marlowe, transformed my approach to writing. I walked away from that period in my creative life with copious tools and resources to be the best writer I could be.
And holy fuck, did that scare the shit out of me.
On top of this apparent transformation into the Black Jackie Collins, I had begun my spiritual journey. I forgave myself, several times a day. I did more yoga. I reconnected (and then, for some, subsequently re-disconnected) with old friends and past loves. I quit drinking. I was doing a lot of the internal work that can either help or hurt other aspects of your life, including your creativity. I tried to work on myself and my art simultaneously, and I just didn’t have the bandwidth. Fear was booted out of my spiritual wellness and took up space in my creative world. I was just a year out from winning Pitch Wars and I had gone and reshaped my life.
Clearly, a girl knows how to keep busy, but I was still scared to write.
Periodt. I have no ‘because’, no explanation. Fear just is, and it was front row center whenever I attempted to write a love story.
Now what I do have are several unfinished projects that sprouted just within the past 18 months: a story about two exes on a road trip, another about a celebrity couple (former 90s costars) meeting again on a reunion special. Oh, and there was the erotic mystery I started writing that used Blair Underwood as the hero’s muse (I call that my Tyler Perry Phase of my creative meltdown). It’s like, I know there is another novel in me…but fear says not right now.
I’m continuing to work on this block, just as I have my other fears. Even putting it on the blog lightens the emotional load. Although, this wasn’t the softball I anticipated.
I need a nap now. Thanks for reading. See you tomorrow.
(Click HERE to see previous #NaBloPoMo posts!)
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