What kinds of feelings am I feeling right now?
Grateful and nervous…but mostly grateful.
Next week, Iowa is heading into another quasi-lockdown of sorts due to the third wave of Miss Rona. My kids – who are currently doing in-person instruction – have been masked up and socially distanced from their friends all semester long. My husband works in healthcare, classifying him as an essential worker who is risking his health to be front and present for work everyday.
And, smack dab in the middle of everything happening, my library is locking down again and I’m having surgery on my lady parts next week.
In a previous post, I alluded to how weird 2020 is. Preparing to have a benign (fingers crossed!) polyp removed and my uterus freeze-dried falls right in lockstep with the ‘2020 is weird’ flex. Besides my quite active hoe phase (or what most humans refer to as ‘the late 90s’) and pushing two children out into the world, everything on the mid-level floor of the Hotel Eliza has been typically pretty quiet & boring: flow every twenty-eight days, nearly effortless conception, healthy pregnancies. No complaints.
Now, as I face whatever is ahead of me next week, my soul is alert. My head, clouded with a mild anxiety. I understand that my outpatient procedure is quite common and won’t require a long recovery, but I’m human and I worry about the impact. One of my favorite catchphrases is, “I’m sure of few things in this world; not wanting another child is one of them.” After next week, my chances of reproduction will be close to nil. As sure as I am that I don’t want to be pregnant ever again, having the option to procreate taken away – even if it is for a healthier outcome – is disconcerting for me.
But I’m grateful, too.
Grateful for my family who are supporting me and who will make sure I’m comforted during my recovery.
Grateful for the health insurance that will cover the bulk of my costs for the procedure.
Grateful for my colleagues who will cover for me during my absence from work.
Grateful for the pregnancies I had that produced the two people I love most in the world.
Grateful for my awareness of everything that encompasses my femininity, that I recognize that my womanhood is so much more than my reproductive organs and menstrual cycles.
Yes, 2020 is weird but it’s taught me something that I know to be true: gratitude is the antidote. Feel the thing and say ‘thank you‘, do that one time for me today. Whenever you feel the tug of life pulling you in 50-11 directions or whenever you sense fear/worry/rejection/sadness clouding you, just stop and say ‘thank you’.
It’s truly that simple.
Thanx for reading.
More tomorrow. Bye.
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