‘If this was my last day, would I be satisfied with my life?’
I mean, the short answer is fuck no but I guess it’s not such a bad deal.
There’s something about turning forty that shifts the ground for many people, especially those who happen to be women. It happened for me in 2019 and I felt as if I were starting over. My thoughts (of which I soon discovered there were incredibly too many of swirling in my massive head) became less real and my inner voice got louder. I got sober. I lost 55 pounds. I let people switch lanes last minute on the highway. Over a year later, I am more or less this version of myself that I really and truly love.
But YIKES, I totally just met this version of me so, um, yeah, I would not be satisfied if my life ended today.
I have to go to India for an unspecified but expensive retreat where I do nothing but eat raw veggies and do yoga all week long. I have to meet Mariah Carey so I can embarrass myself and y’all can laugh at me on the socials. I have to see my children grow into responsible adults with good emotional health (or have the resources to get help if needed). I have to leave the country with my husband, just once. I have to be a librarian for longer than a year because it took 40 times as long to figure out that I should have been a librarian in the first damn place!
That said, if today was indeed my last day, grateful, not satisfied, would be my resolution.
Grateful for my childhood, wrapped in love and education. Grateful for my husband, my partner in this weird little life. Grateful for my two children, who are getting older and I hate it but I love seeing them grow. Grateful for the skills acquired during my career journey that led me to my dream job. Grateful for the growth, the conflicts, the breakdowns and the breakthroughs.
I would be grateful for this life, am grateful. And I try to act in gratitude during at least 90% of my day (because my Ten Percent Petty is required).
That was nice to write. Only two days in and my soul’s cracking open a little.
More tomorrow. Goodbye.
(Click HERE to see previous #NaBloPoMo posts!)