NaBloPoMo 2020: Day 4

NaBloPoMo 2020: Day 4

‘What if everything is as it should be? How would that make me feel?’

I would feel rejected and, eventually, ready to learn.

I had a fight with someone and it wasn’t pretty. It never is when you’re fighting with someone you love. There were F bombs and other dazzling expletives. I vowed to never see that person again in the same light and a part of me still believes that to be true. I think that what made me the most upset about the exchange was that I didn’t feel like this person had my back when discussing me with someone else.

As I write this, I’m still processing my feelings in the aftermath of our argument. My image of them is shattered, broken. I’m struggling to see this person with love because I’m blinded by anger. But anger is rarely the issue. Underneath every rage is a rejection. In my case, I felt rejected by this person who seemed to have chosen someone else’s confidentiality over my own. I’m not the perfect friend to this person, but I never imagined such a wounding rejection coming from their hands.

But in spite of everything, I know that there is a lesson Universe is trying to teach me from this.

Once my anger subsides from this disagreement, I can take the next steps to accept that everything is as it should be. Yeah, it is not easy but a routine helps. Since this isn’t my first time at the People I Love Are Being Weird rodeo, I think my acceptance protocol will look something like this:

  • Breathe (four point breathing usually grounds me quickly),
  • Forgive myself for yelling things like ‘fuck you and your ugly ass friend!’ in the heat of conflict (I’m such a doll, aren’t I? 🙂 ),
  • Say to myself or out loud, “I want to release my unhealthy thoughts about [REDACTED] and see them with love.” It also helps to hold this thought within meditation and/or breathing.

I will repeat this process for as many days/weeks/months it takes for me to accept what is so that I can reconnect with my friend on a higher ground. We love one another so I’m hopeful for a truce, but I won’t rush it. Self-forgiveness and conflict resolution takes time so I have to allow it.

A key part of accepting everything as it is is to first make peace with it yourself. I’m not there right now, but I know that I will make peace with what is between my friend and I. Our relationship has shifted but change doesn’t have to be negative. Acceptance is not approval, I often remind myself. What acceptance is is the key to peace – and I could really use some right about now.

Self-awareness is the hardest work I do all day, I tell ya.
More tomorrow. Goodbye.

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